Waves (2019)
How do we forgive?
The A24 movie Waves (2019) focuses on the emotions the Williams family feels as they navigate tragedy. The film is broken up into two parts. The first section follows the son, Tyler (Kelvin Harrison Jr.), as he navigates a turbulent relationship with his father (Sterling K. Brown), an injury that threatens his High School wrestling career, and the surprise pregnancy of his girlfriend Alexis (Alexa Demie). All of this mental anguish spirals out of control, leading to Tyler's accidental murder of his girlfriend at an after-prom party. The film's second half follows the daughter of the Williams, Emily, as she navigates the shattered family dynamics after Tyler's prison sentence. With her mother, Catherine (Renée Elise Goldsberry), closed off and her father always working, Emily navigates life by herself until she meets Luke (Lucas Hedges) at school, and they start dating.
Toxic Tyler
What strikes me about this film is the apparentness of it. It isn't embellishing or claiming to be fantastical in any way; it's simply relying on a story that plays out all too often. One of the first problems the movie addresses is the idea of toxic masculinity. Ronald, the father, is tough on Tyler. He pushes him to help with the family business, weight training to stay in shape for the wrestling team, and staying on top of his grades in school. This is a Black family. The correlation between race and masculinity is essential here. There is a scene where Ronald gives his son the same lecture I've heard from many men in my family. It usually says, "We don't have the luxury of starting at the same place as everyone else. We have to work twice as hard to get half as much. That's why I'm pushing you. Because I love you."
The problem that I have found with that message in my own life is that, even though it is societally true, it's coming from a place of internalized trauma. As a Black man in America, I often struggle with the feeling of being good enough because, historically, I haven't been. Ronald never personally deals with his feelings of inadequacy; he places those on his son and does the same thing society does to him at home. Nothing is ever good enough! There is no level of understanding, love, or tenderness towards Tyler that would reinforce the lessons Ronald is trying to instill.
This teaches Tyler that when trouble comes, he has to take it. Men are meant to toughen up! So, when Tyler gets the devastating news that he is going to have to stop wrestling because his shoulder is seriously injured, he doesn't share it with his parents or coaches. He pushes through the pain. When his girlfriend becomes pregnant and fails to move forward with getting an abortion, Tyler doesn't have anywhere to turn but substance abuse and raging in anger.
The Memory of Water
This film is ultimately about the sister, Emily. We start with Tyler's story because the film wants to invest us in him as a character, so we feel how Emily does during the second half. This is where the movie takes its title from.
“All that memory reverberates out and affects everyone else on the water. So, when the water is choppy at the end of the day, it’s partly because of the overlapping memory of all the vessels on it. ”
I'll hang out at one of my close friend's houses some weekends. His family lives by the lake, so we usually take the boat out. As you can imagine, most people living by the water own a boat. The amount of numbskulls flying on the water, not watching where they are going, is ridiculous. But being on the water got me thinking. Water has memory. It remembers that boat that just sped through it. All that memory reverberates out and affects everyone else on the water. So, when the water is choppy at the end of the day, it's partly because of the overlapping memory of all the vessels on it.
Emily is in a tough spot. She is living in the choppy remnants of her family after her brother's actions. She has stopped using Instagram because people would shame her for what Tyler did. Luckily, Emily finds Luke, and their relationship becomes an oasis from her painful home life. However, through Luke's story, Emily can experience the power of forgiveness. Luke's father was abusive and left him and his mother when he was young. Luke hasn't seen his father in years but knows that he is dying of cancer in a Missouri Hospital. Emily encourages Luke to visit his father before he dies, and they travel to see him.
How Do We Forgive?
During this final section of the film, we see the depth of forgiveness. Not only do they reconcile, but Luke stays and takes extensive care of his father during his final days. This is what the heart of the film is saying about forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't just an accepted apology. At its core, forgiveness is more about recognizing a person's frail humanity and meeting it with grace. It's moving intentionally through the waves of offense and harm, not to build on them but to calm them.
The film ends with Ronald and Emily reconnecting, Catherine working up the courage to visit Tyler in prison, and Alexis's parents mourning their daughter. The film's final shot is of Emily riding her bicycle, appearing almost as a Mary Magdalene figure announcing the newness of the day. While other movies try to resolve the problem entirely, this movie leaves it open-ended. It understands that forgiveness and pain come in waves. There isn't one grand moment where everything is fixed. Life is much like water in that it has memory. What we do and how we move forward radiates out and affects other's lives. So, how do we forgive? A little bit at a time each day, giving ourselves grace as we give others grace.
